Scattered thoughts on the way to a conference

I'm traveling to a conference today. I've always really enjoyed this conference -- a small, congenial affair with a number of my favorite people in the profession, where work of unusually high quality is presented -- but for some reason I'm not so excited about going this time. Perhaps it's the feeling that I am beginning my transition out of the profession, so academic conferences aren't really where my heart is at the moment. Or perhaps it's just that I'm still not completely recovered from the minor surgery I had early last week.

I'm much more excited about my summer studies in music and liturgy. I'm going to a music conference at one of our seminaries and a liturgical workshop at another -- both in July. I canceled my summer class in order to go to the music conference, and I'm just slightly regretting that decision, since it turns out that I will not receive a paycheck in August because of the change of jobs. If I had taught the summer class, I would at least have received my pay for that, which would be 1/9 of my annual salary. I would have been ahead money rather than behind. But as I say, that's only a slight regret. Thank goodness I have a fair bit of money saved; losing a month's paycheck won't be the end of the world.

As I think about it, perhaps my relative lack of enthusiasm for this conference stems from the way in which my own research has stalled a bit. I have plans for the summer, and in the fall I'll start work on a book, but right now I'm not doing anything in particular. The paper I'm presenting is something I've already finished and sent off for publication (and it isn't particularly good anyway).

Or perhaps it has to do with my always problematic relationship to my own professional ambitions. I have long been "under conviction" about my ambition, to use an expression that will be familiar to evangelicals. And this morning I received an udpate from the Philosophical Gourmet that listed various moves of senior people in the profession. As a recent article in The Chronicle of Higher Education (available only to subscribers) suggested, the existence of the Philosophical Gourmet, with its emphasis on high-profile hires and itinerant senior faculty, has solidified a view of the profession in which a relative handful of really important people can make or break a department. Now I am not, and have no chance of being, one of that relative handful. In itself, I don't mind that -- I've never been ambitious to that extent, and I've never been under any delusions about my own abilities (except perhaps near the beginning of my career, when I tended to sell myself a bit short). But the stratification of the profession in this way leaves me with less scope for professional development than I might otherwise have, and that's a bit disappointing.

Yet that ought to be a reason for looking forward to this conference, surrounded by people who are supportive and interested, in a setting where my own professional competences rank rather higher than they do in the profession at large.

But I don't really have the time to figure this out right now. My plane leaves in less than four hours, and I haven't showered, dressed, or even packed. I'm off. If anyone sees this, say a prayer for me. I'm a somewhat nervous flier.