Discernment and self-conception

One of the interesting challenges of discerning a call to ordained ministry is developing the ability to think of oneself in new and unfamiliar ways. For a long time there seemed to be a decided preference in the Episcopal Church for ordaining people who had already enjoyed substantial careers in some other field. Though I don't have the figures, I take it that we are returning to the ordination of younger people who have had only a short time in the secular work-world before seminary. In any event, I'm somewhere in between. I'm youngish by the standards that once prevailed. I got my Ph.D. in 1994 and have been employed as an academic every since. I have never had a part-time job outside the academy, and by now I am as well-entrenched in that sort of life as it is possible to be. I think of myself as a teacher and scholar, and I have tenure, which enables me to act on that self-conception as long as I care to.

So for those of us who envision the prospect of ordained ministry from an already well-established secular identity, the shift in self-understanding can be quite jarring. In my case, there is the additional issue of the different forms of priestly ministry that might be available to me. I could remain in my present job and just act as a supply priest in the area, or I could leave my comfortable academic life and enter full-time parish ministry. I have become increasingly convinced that I am called to parish ministry, but it is exceedingly difficult to envision what that very different life would look like.

At the moment the difficulty is a very urgent and practical one. I have a very good job offer at a university in another diocese, and it appears that there will be a job there for my partner as well. I would not be able to serve as a priest in that diocese were I to move there. (I asked the Bishop, just to be sure, and he confirmed what I already suspected -- very graciously, I should add, and with the assurance that I would be in his prayers. I assured him of the same thing, and I have made a point of praying for him at every liturgy in which we pray for bishops, and in my private prayers as well.) A decision to take that job would in effect be a decision to fix my present identity as an academic and to put my discernment on hold indefinitely. Having come this far, it is not an attractive possibility.

On the other hand, it is absolutely crucial to me that my partner and I continue to live and work in the same place, and this current job offer is the only such prospect we have. The thought of turning it down without any way of ensuring that the two of us can stay together seems utterly foolhardy. He, bless him, is insistent that I not take the job unless it's the right thing for me, irrespective of him.

Ideally what will happen is that my present employer will find a job for my partner in the meantime, while he looks for a job on his own and I continue with the ordination process. Then I'm called by a parish in the same city where he works. While I'm imagining the ideal situation, let me add that this parish has multiple priests, and I'm the one with primary responsibility for education, liturgy, and music.

And of course I'm mulling all this over without having yet met with the Bishop. In theory I'm supposed to accept or decline the job offer before my meeting with the Bishop. But we still don't have any definite information about my partner's job at the other university, or about what my own university might be able to do to keep us here. So it may be that I can get a few days' grace; then at least I could make the decision from a somewhat better-informed position. For now, however, every aspect of this decision is completely up in the air.